i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
