It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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