so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
