There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
