you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Panties = found
Randomize
