Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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