I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
