He uses pillows to masturbate.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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