Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
