I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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