you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
