How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
