Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
