Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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