I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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