Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
