I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
