dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
