Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
