Whatcha textin bout Willis?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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