I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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