you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
