20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
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I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
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COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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