You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
