If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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