I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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