You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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