if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
