I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
