Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
