my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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