just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
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i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
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I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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