I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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