Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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