I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
