how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
