drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
