my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
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I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
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The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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