there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
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Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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