were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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