god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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