dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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