I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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