I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
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