Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
