I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
