I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
