I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
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