i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
