life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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