he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
