I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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