MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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