Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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