apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
