Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
