i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
