Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
