PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
